More Goat Bell

Don't you just love the way that a bit of melancholy can sneak up on you? I've not decided if it's the psych meds, the rain or just plain old "blues" that are haunting me today. Those days when old memories come to play in your mind, you start thinking how things could have been different if only... Not that I want things to be different. I've got a great life and a wonderful husband who loves and spoils me rotten.

I wouldn't change a thing, but that doesn't seem to stop these episodes of mourning things that never were. The good news is tomorrow will bring the sun and a new day. Pensiveness does nothing , looking back changes nothing and would I really want it to? Somethings, yes, I wouldn't mind going back and erasing. The whole childhood sexual abuse could really be erased and it would probably stop a lot of this despondency I suffer from in my adult life.

I know that the sum of your life creates who you are and I wouldn't be who I am right now if those things hadn't all happened. I also know that most people would say that they wouldn't change a thing, but I can't help but wonder how many of those people are lying to themselves. If they aren't then that just makes it worse. I mean, how can people live their lives without having the shadows of yesterday nipping at their heals? Traumatic ghosts are at mine. Things I wish I didn't have to remember, things I wish never happened. Maybe it would be easier if I could lay some of the blame at my own door and come to peace with it. I can't, it's never a child's fault what is done to them by sick people.

I think what really got me thinking of these things today is the story in the news about the 6 year old boy who was kidnapped, raped, killed and then tossed out like a bag of trash left to rot in a road side ditch. A family did this to him. Three (3!!!) people, a father, a mother and a son all participated in the cruel and almost unimaginably horrible death that this child suffered. What kind of monsters harm a child? What's worse is that one of them was a registered sex offender who was released back into the public by our court system.

I want to be able to say that these men and women who prey on children and the innocent can be rehabilitated but I would be lying to my true self and heart. I don't and can't believe that they are able to turn that side of themselves off. Just as I cannot turn off the side of me that still hates the persons who hurt me. Why do we allow these travesties to go on? I know we want to believe in the good of people but from my experience these predators never change. Oh, they say that God has changed them, that they are new people, ashamed of what they've done but knowing that my monster molested and raped women and girls from his childhood into his old age makes me believe that they are not and cannot change.

I wish and hope that if their is a God out there and if there is a heaven that this child, this boy who's future was ripped from him and his family is taken care of, healed and loved the way a child should be. I can imagine his last moments only too clearly, I hope that if there is another existence out there after this that those memories do not carry over to it. I hope that his family is able to find peace and a kind of happiness again. I hope their hearts and souls mend and that this kind of hurt never come into their lives again.


Sadly,
Amanda