More Goat Bell

Maybe it's the time of year, the miscarriage or just the blues in general. It could be the upcoming meeting with the disability people, seems everyone wants me to admit to being broken. I don't want to take that step. I understand I've got some weird shit going on and it's gotten to the point where it interferes with me having a normal job but I still want one. Admitting that this is a disability feels like admitting that something is unfixable or fundamentally wrong with me.

I know it will help and that I can still pursue college courses but it also means that my worst fears are true. There is something not normal, not right about me. That stinks. It's like I'm between a rock and hard place. I can begin faking normalcy again and drive myself nuts again or I can face the music and go ahead with the appointment. I don't want to hate life again, I don't want to spend every day unhappy, stressed out and crying. I don't want to start thinking of killing myself again and I know that without the help that this is the road I'll go down. So, I guess the lesser of the evils is to buck up and take this step. Admitting to slight schizo/manic issues can't be that bad, right?

So, I took one of those home kits on Monday and it's digital screen said "Pregnant". Hospital blood test confirmed it. That explains the utter exhaustion and boobs that are ready to mutiny from the pain. Fun stuff! Four years of trying and FINALLY it happens.

We are both ecstatic and Rob is having too much fun laughing at my onset of hormones. No food or smell aversions thank BOB but this crying at the drop of a hat thing is silly. Also, panicking when you can't take your anti-PTSD drugs sucks. My nightmares have returned with a vengeance and boy are they doozies.

Lately, my dreams have been very vivid. People being murdered, being drug around by their entrails. Little girls being raped and murdered, then stuffed into toy boxes, closets and other places. I'm taxed with trying to saving them and protecting them but I seem to not be able to save and protect them all. It's scary and crazy and sets me off. I'm not sleeping more than a few hours even though I'm napping constantly so I think that has A LOT to do with my state of mind. Hopefully, Thursday when I see the gyno he'll give the OK for me to start back on some of the meds. I miss them.

On the upside, there are going to be huge changes in our life. A baby is coming! Our baby. I get to buy all the cute baby clothes and decorate one of the rooms for the incoming bundle of poop... err JOY, I meant joy. I swear. You believe me, right?

Melancholy gone! Today I tackle getting this old house cleaned up and presentable for the in-laws. Love my in-laws, really, they are great people, I just wish this visit wasn't at such a bad time. Rob is in class and on a night shift so we're only going to have about 4 hours a day to be awake and visit with them. I hope they are prepared to amuse themselves the rest of the day. Hopefully come Winter we can go up to their place and visit. I LOVE snow. Love it. We don't get it here but they get tons where they are from.

Ok, off to hide the clutter.

Industriously,
Amanda

Don't you just love the way that a bit of melancholy can sneak up on you? I've not decided if it's the psych meds, the rain or just plain old "blues" that are haunting me today. Those days when old memories come to play in your mind, you start thinking how things could have been different if only... Not that I want things to be different. I've got a great life and a wonderful husband who loves and spoils me rotten.

I wouldn't change a thing, but that doesn't seem to stop these episodes of mourning things that never were. The good news is tomorrow will bring the sun and a new day. Pensiveness does nothing , looking back changes nothing and would I really want it to? Somethings, yes, I wouldn't mind going back and erasing. The whole childhood sexual abuse could really be erased and it would probably stop a lot of this despondency I suffer from in my adult life.

I know that the sum of your life creates who you are and I wouldn't be who I am right now if those things hadn't all happened. I also know that most people would say that they wouldn't change a thing, but I can't help but wonder how many of those people are lying to themselves. If they aren't then that just makes it worse. I mean, how can people live their lives without having the shadows of yesterday nipping at their heals? Traumatic ghosts are at mine. Things I wish I didn't have to remember, things I wish never happened. Maybe it would be easier if I could lay some of the blame at my own door and come to peace with it. I can't, it's never a child's fault what is done to them by sick people.

I think what really got me thinking of these things today is the story in the news about the 6 year old boy who was kidnapped, raped, killed and then tossed out like a bag of trash left to rot in a road side ditch. A family did this to him. Three (3!!!) people, a father, a mother and a son all participated in the cruel and almost unimaginably horrible death that this child suffered. What kind of monsters harm a child? What's worse is that one of them was a registered sex offender who was released back into the public by our court system.

I want to be able to say that these men and women who prey on children and the innocent can be rehabilitated but I would be lying to my true self and heart. I don't and can't believe that they are able to turn that side of themselves off. Just as I cannot turn off the side of me that still hates the persons who hurt me. Why do we allow these travesties to go on? I know we want to believe in the good of people but from my experience these predators never change. Oh, they say that God has changed them, that they are new people, ashamed of what they've done but knowing that my monster molested and raped women and girls from his childhood into his old age makes me believe that they are not and cannot change.

I wish and hope that if their is a God out there and if there is a heaven that this child, this boy who's future was ripped from him and his family is taken care of, healed and loved the way a child should be. I can imagine his last moments only too clearly, I hope that if there is another existence out there after this that those memories do not carry over to it. I hope that his family is able to find peace and a kind of happiness again. I hope their hearts and souls mend and that this kind of hurt never come into their lives again.


Sadly,
Amanda

Wikepedia says ,

A staycation (or stay-cation, or stacation,or staykation) is a neologism for a period of time in which an individual or family stays at home and relaxes at home or takes day trips from their home to area attractions. Staycations have achieved high popularity in the financial crisis of 2007–2009 in which unemployment levels and gas prices are high.^[1][2] The term was added to the 2009 version of the Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary. ^[3]

For us it's been a blessing. We have gotten so much stuff done around this place. The field has been cleared, burnable trash has been bonfired. Goats have a better place to rest. The central A/C works in our house now. His garage has been wired and now we are just waiting on the electric company. It's been a long haul but this house is starting to look like a home.

Our land no longer looks like a mine field full of scrap metal, spare parts and old trash. I can't believe how badly the past owners took care of this place. What should you expect from a couple that had the govt watching them for weapon running, that won the money to buy this place from a lawsuit, then squandered the money on new cars and drugs instead of paying this place off so they lost it too the bank. Our neighbors were apparently over joyed to get rid of the trashtastic people who lived here.

It's really a great neighborhood, just outside the city limits. Quiet and peaceful. We love it here but also cannot wait to see what comes next after our 4 years here. The goal is to have this place fixed up so we can rent it out to some military officer and family.

Here's to hoping your summer is going great.

It's been crazy around here. The Husband had the week off so we've been busting our asses working around the house. He's got part of the patio knocked down and already has plans for the rebuild, it's going to be beautiful.

My parents, one of my brothers, his wife and kids came in this weekend so I had a full house. My eldest nephew LOVED the goats, he even fed them and just giggled while they slobbered all over his hands. Love that kid! He was fighting off an ear infection so he was a bit crankier than usual but still just adorable. The younger one is still just a tiny guy and I loved him to death. He's sooooo cute and furry. It was nice having them all here, but I'm also glad to be able to walk around naked again.

We geocached a bit but mostly sat around bull shitting and watching the eldest boy play with my little people toys I brought out for him. My mom and dad had a blast showing me their dive vacation videos and pictures. Very beautiful area in Mexico they went to, glad they finally got to go on a vacation with no kids. It's their first with no kids in over 20 years of marriage. Crazy.

All in all it was a fun week, but I need a nap!

Husby and I are working around the house. OK, fine, I'm just following him around while he works. He's hanging new lights in the dining room and looking to put one in my laundry room. He decided he'd see what he could scavenge from his garage.

He'd just walked into the garage and was surveying the maze of junk when a movement startled him. The hugest garter snake we have ever seen goes scurrying off. We weren't for sure what it was, I ran inside to investigate. Husby has issues killing things that aren't harmful. I'm not prejudiced. If it's slimey, slithery or a bug it should be dead, imo. Screw mother nature and the circle of life.

Luckily our visitor was a garter snake. I kid you not the thing is between 5 and 6 feet long. Husby is outside trying to get a picture of it for the blog. Our new friend is not being as cooperative though.